sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
