I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
