my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
