I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
well you can't waste a boner
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
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