walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
