I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
