The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
