I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
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Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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