Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize