Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
