You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
