Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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