turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
