is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
