Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
