Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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