I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
