How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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