Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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