I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
