My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
