I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
