just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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