i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
