Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
