I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
