i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
