never play flip cup with pint glasses
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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