my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
