I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
