i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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