not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
