Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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