I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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