Pappa wants mamma naked
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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