You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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