May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
