This beer is not sobering me up at all
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
