dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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