fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have demons in me.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
