I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
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Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
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We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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