Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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