dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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