I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize