At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
