I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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