Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize