my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
