im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
