I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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