Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
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I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
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I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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