Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
