So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
