Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
