I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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