I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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